Dripping Wings
by Idiosyncratic Enigma
Summary: Alex’s world is slowly falling apart and she feels like she has nobody to turn to. Olivia finally comes around to help pull her out of depression. AlexOlivia friendship. Formly titled the lame "Falling Apart."
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Alex's world is falling apart and she feels like she has nobody to turn to. Will Olivia be there for her and help her through it? Alex Olivia friendship.

_Disclaimer: I don't own the characters from Conviction or SVU._

_A/N: Originally this was going to be a Conviction story, but along the way it turned into more of an SVU story. I wanted try and make it only SVU, but I really liked what I had written, so I kept it. So let's just say it's an SVU story where some Conviction characters make an appearance. The first two chapters are Conviction-character centered, but that's it. This is Alex post-WP, near the beginning of Conviction. For the purposes of this story, Alex's mother died about two months before the episode "Ghost." Enjoy!_

_A/N2: The title may change, I'm not sure if I like it for this story yet._

* * *

It had been a rough week for everybody and Alexandra Cabot let everyone leave the office early. She could tell they were angry with themselves and frustrated at the world. What they needed was the weekend off, when they didn't have to think about work and could hopefully just relax and unwind. Besides, she had things she needed to do on her own. Her week hadn't been spectacular, either.

The young ADAs were hanging out outside their offices, ready to head off to a bar to forget about their week. It was their typical Friday ritual. Every week they'd dare each other to ask Alex to join them, but nobody would ever take the dare. They all knew she had been in Witness Protection, but anything else was a mystery. They wanted to get to know her, but at the same time it was fun to pretend they knew her background, or to makeup wildly romantic or implausible stories. So they'd head home to change then meet up at a particular restaurant and at some point the conversation would turn to Alex, and inevitably a new theory would be discussed.

But this week was different. They were all burned out and dejected for one reason or another. They could tell their boss was having a rough week too, no matter how hard she tried to hide it. It seemed wrong to not invite her; maybe that's what she needed.

Christina was the one elected to extend the invitation. "Why me?"

"Just go ask," Jim said, turning Christina around and pushing her towards Alex's office.

She rolled her eyes and waved off her co-workers, heading for her boss' door. She knocked and heard a very quiet "come in."

Alex was stacking papers into neat piles and shoving others into her briefcase. "Can I help you with anything?" she asked, her tone still professional.

"No, not exactly…"

Her voice softened a bit. "What is it, then?"

Christina sat in one of the chairs, trying to appear as casual as possible. "The gang and I, we go out for dinner and drinks every Friday. We were wondering if you'd like to joins us. It seems we've all had a pretty crappy week, and we thought you might want to go out and relax a bit." She couldn't look at Alex when she asked, but when she didn't get a reply right away, she looked up.

Alex had stopped rifling through her papers and was rubbing the side of her face with one hand. She looked so tired and defeated, Christina thought she was going to either fall asleep on her feet or start crying. If she started crying, Christina didn't know what to do. Thankfully, neither happened. Instead she sighed heavily. "Thank you for the offer, Christina. But I have, um, other plans. I have to get some stuff done."

"Surely it can wait until after dinner? Or until tomorrow? We'd really like for you to join us. We're so curious about you; it would be nice to quash some rumors." _Crap, I probably just said more than I was supposed to_, she thought, mentally smacking herself in the head.

Alex chuckled. "Well maybe I can do that next week. What I need to do needs to be done before it gets dark. But thank you, Christina. It means a lot that you asked me."

"You're welcome." She stood awkwardly, not sure if she should just leave or walk out with her boss. Luckily Alex made that decision for her.

"Well I'm ready to get out of here, what about you?" She wrapped her white coat around herself and headed for the door. They didn't talk on the walk to the elevator, or on the ride down to the main lobby. Alex seemed so lost in thought that Christina didn't think she should say anything.

It must have been when the doors slid open that Christina made the decision to follow Alex. Partly because she felt like she failed her mission and had to find out _something_ – where their boss lived, if she got Starbucks after work – anything. But a larger part of her was just plain curious. So she followed her. She kept a good distance behind. It would be hard to lose Alex in the crowd – she was tall, thin, and where nearly everybody else wore a black coat, she wore a white one. Christina, on the other hand, just blended into the crowd.

She called Jessica on her cell phone. "Jess, you'll never believe what I'm doing."

"What? I only have a minute, I'm about to go check on my mom before dinner."

"Don't worry, I won't keep you. Well, first, Cabot isn't coming. She has 'something to do.' So I'm following her."

"You're _what_?"

"Yeah, I'm following her." After a short silence, she added, "Please tell me that's not too strange."

"It's not strange at all…stalker."

"Hey! I'm not stalking her, I'm just trying to find out some info about her to give you guys tonight."

"Whatever you say, Christina. Knock yourself out. See you in a bit." And with that, Jessica hung up. _Was_ it strange to be following her boss? Christina shook her head and kept her focus on the pale blonde head several feet in front of her.

When Alex stepped up to a flower sales man on a corner, Christina had to duck into an electronics shop. She watched through the window as Alex bought a small bouquet of Gerbera daisies and headed on her way. So she likes to keep fresh flowers in her apartment, Christina thought absently. Several blocks later Alex crossed the street, walking along a semi-high stone wall. She stopped at a wrought iron gate in the middle of the wall. Once she had gone inside, Christina crossed and went in after her. Once inside, she was shocked to find out it was a cemetery. A small, rational voice in her head told her this was a private matter and she shouldn't be sticking her nose where it didn't belong, but she ignored it. She had already come this far. She wouldn't let her boss know she was here, she'd hide in the shadows behind a tree and wait for her to leave, and then go see what headstone she had visited. Then she'd report back to the group.

She scanned the area and saw Alex disappearing over a small hill. She followed in the same path and when she was over the hill, she saw Alex sitting on a stone bench just a few feet away. Christina came to an abrupt stop and looked around for cover. She stepped into the shade of a tree, her heart pounding. She stood behind the trunk for a few minutes, holding her breath.

"You can come out, Christina." Alex said without moving.

Christina tentatively moved out from behind the tree and stood a few respectful feet away from the bench. "I'm sorry, I didn't know where you were going, I just wanted to have something to bring to dinner tonight and I thought I might…" she trailed off. "I really don't have an excuse. I was being nosy, and I'm sorry."

"It's okay," she answered quietly, her eyes forward. She moved over and made room for Christina to sit down.

"How did you know I was following you?"

"You don't do the best job of blending in," Alex said with a small smile.

_And to think I did. I guess that's why I'm an attorney and not a detective._ Christina dropped her bag to the ground and tried to think of something to say that would break the uncomfortable silence. "So, who are you here to, uh, visit?" She could feel Alex stiffen at the question. "I won't tell the others, I promise."

Alex shook her head slightly. "You can tell them, I don't care. It isn't a big secret, it's just hard for me to say." She exhaled deeply and tried to smile at Christina, but her eyes were quickly filling with tears. Embarrassed, she looked away and concentrated on getting her emotions back in check.

Christina was rooted to her seat. Talk about awkward. What was she supposed to do? All she wanted to know was her boss' coffee preference, and instead she was sitting with her in a cemetery. Suddenly she felt a surge of pity for the woman. For the first time, she actually looked at Alex, and realized she was only about five years older than herself. She had probably gone through more trauma at her age than many people experience in their life. She had been uprooted from her life and lived as someone else – in _Witness Protection_ – for nearly three years. It didn't seem that any of her old friends had come by to see her, at least not yet. She must be pretty lonely. Christina felt bad about all the gossiping she and her colleagues had done at Alex's expense.

"It's my mother." She nodded to a grave marker just across the path, with the daisies laid on top. "She died a year ago today."

"Oh Alex, I'm so sorry," Christina said.

"I was still in Witness Protection at the time, so they wouldn't allow me to go to the funeral," her voice cracked. "They said they didn't want to risk my safety by coming home. I could hold my own memorial service back in Wisconsin. Alone."

For a few minutes Alex was quiet again, and Christina thought she was done divulging information. So she was a bit surprised to feel the body next to her start to quiver. Alex was unsuccessfully trying to hold back sobs. At that moment their relationship changed from boss and employer to friends. Somehow the awkwardness of the situation disappeared. Christina placed a hand on Alex's shoulder, a silent gesture to show her support. And that was all it took for her steely resolve to disappear. Tears rolled silently down her cheeks but she didn't bother to wipe them away; they just fell into her lap.

"It's my fault," she said so softly Christina nearly missed it.

"What?"

"It's my fault. If I hadn't gone into Witness Protection, if I had at least let her known I was alive…"

"But you couldn't do that, you didn't have any other choice."

"But I did, Christina. I forced them to let me see my friends once before I left. I couldn't let them think I had died, I just couldn't. But I was selfish and I didn't even think about seeing my mom, or to even send her a note. I just left and she thought I had died."

"Everyone did. And your detective friends were probably better at keeping it a secret." Christina was confused. She still didn't see how it could be Alex's fault. She waited for an explanation.

"My mom found out she had cancer a few months after I 'died.' She refused treatment because she felt like she didn't have anyone to live for. My dad left us when I was little and I was an only child. If she had known I was really alive, _she'd_ still be alive. She would have gotten treatment because she knew someday I'd be back. So, it _is_ my fault." Alex was never one for self-pity, but these thoughts had been in the back of her mind, nagging at her since she first found out her mom had passed away. That, coupled with the fact this was the first time to visit her mom's grave, was enough to feel sorry for herself. After a year of holding it in, she finally let down her guard.

This was much more than what Christina had bargained for. Or at least, nothing like she expected. She realized that maybe Alex just needed a friend. Not everyone could be so steadfastly strong all the time. So she snaked her arm around Alex's waist and placed her other hand on her arm.

Alex was a quiet crier. The only sounds she made were soft, strained sobs. She didn't lean into Christina's embrace, but she didn't reject it, either. She just ducked her head, letting her hair fall around her face like a curtain. She couldn't even remember the last time she'd been comforted. She had never allowed herself to be upset in front of people. But she appreciated it. There was something about Christina – her honesty, her sincerity – that made Alex feel comfortable opening up.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she whispered, wiping her eyes.

"What for?"

"I'm being unprofessional."

"Stop it. A friend is always willing to listen."

It was a simple comment, but it was the first time since she returned someone took the step to be her friend. Sure, she had several acquaintances, but nobody she could call a friend.

"I just had to tell someone. I couldn't keep it inside any longer."

"It isn't easy to go through things alone, is it?" Christina asked.

Alex shook her head. "I've always done it that way. I'm just too stubborn and independent to ask for help."

"Well, if you want to keep a clean record, you never actually asked for my help today."

Alex gave her a small smile. "Thanks." They sat in an awkward silence for a few minutes. "Hey, do you want to maybe get dinner? I can buy you a drink."

"Uh sure. You don't have to buy me a drink, though. Coffee would work."

"As a thank you."

"I don't know what you're thanking me for."

"For…for listening."

"Okay." Christina didn't feel like she had much of a choice. Sure, she wanted to get to know her boss a little better, but right now it just seemed awkward. But Alex seemed almost desperate for company. "So, where to?"

"How about Mexican?"

"Alex, you should know not to eat at any Mexican food restaurant north of Dallas."

"Okay, okay. Italian?"

"Sounds good to me."

"Okay, just give me a minute."

Christina nodded and went to stand by the tree. Alex crossed the path and knelt down in front of her mother's headstone. She kissed her fingertips and then pressed them against the cold stone. Then she stood, walked over to Christina, and together they left the cemetery.

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_A/N: Thank you for reading. Please let me know what you think - comments and critiques are welcome and greatly appreciated!  
_


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: This is the last chapter with only Conviction characters. From now on SVU characters are the main players.

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They went to a little family owned, hole in the wall Italian restaurant close to the cemetery. They talked for a while, and Christina was careful to steer clear of any family-related questions. They talked about books, movies, television, music, and theatre. They shared their best and worst memories from high school and college. Then Alex turned to more serious topics. It seemed it was something she had to get off her chest, so Christina didn't interrupt. Alex told her of her life as the SVU ADA and how hard it was to go into Witness Protection and how relieved she was when she found out she could come back. "The drug ring was busted and the leaders were thrown in jail. There was no longer a threat on my life, so they said I could come back if I wanted to. Of course I did. After I testified against my assailant I was relocated to Ohio, and I hated it there. I missed the city so much. I missed my old life. Branch was so excited when he heard I was coming back, especially with Donnelly a judge. He pretty much gave me the position of Bureau Chief. I guess you could say I did pretty well when I was back in SVU. I miss them."

"Haven't you seen them since you got back?"

"Well…yes. But it's not the same as seeing them every day and working with them. Our schedules are so busy it seems we never have time to see each other."

"Maybe things will get less hectic. Maybe you could run over there when you know they take their lunch break? A little bit of time is better than nothing."

"Yeah, you're right. I could do that." It was quiet at the table for a few minutes. Christina moved the food around her plate, searching for a question or another topic to break the silence.

"When I found out she died I just went numb. It was the worst few days of my life. Worse than when I was put in the program and I thought I'd never see my family and friends again. There was no one in Wisconsin who I could call, or go to. I didn't have friends or even work acquaintances I'd feel comfortable telling. Just me. God, I was so lonely. I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral; it was too risky. I couldn't tell anyone in Wisconsin that family member had died because they'd be suspicious when I didn't leave for a funeral. So I kept it to myself. I barely cried when I got the news. I kept pushing it away so I could deal with it later, "when I had more time". And whenever I thought I had time, I would turn my attention to other things. I didn't want to face it, accept it. I was afraid if I did I would fall apart. And if I fell apart, I wouldn't be able to keep up this pretend life any more. I became this numb shell of a person. For a couple of months I felt like I had no reason to go on. I couldn't see beyond tomorrow. I couldn't begin to imagine my life happier, not even years down the road."

"Are you happy now?"

"I have my dream job, I'm back in the city, and I'm back being myself. But no, I'm really not happy. Not at all." Alex concentrated on stirring the ice around in her drink with a straw. The emptiness she felt when her mom died was creeping up her throat, but she pushed it down and out of her thoughts. As usual, she didn't want to deal with it at that moment. She shook her head and forced a smile. She needed to forget about the day's events. And although she knew she shouldn't, she knew the only way for that to happen was through alcohol. "Let's go to a bar. Let me buy you a drink. A thank you drink for listening to me whine and rattle on for so long."

"It's really not necessary."

"I insist."

Christina could see her boss wanted company, no matter how she tried to disguise it. She couldn't say no. "All right. It's not like we have to be at work tomorrow, right?"

Alex gave her a small smile. "Right."

They walked around for a little bit, enjoying the cool air and scoping out the bars. They ended up choosing one several blocks from Christina's apartment. She was glad it was within walking distance and wouldn't have to pay for a cab. She wasn't planning on drinking too much; she hated being hung over and didn't want to spend half of her weekend feeling miserable.

It wasn't terribly crowded at the bar, which was surprising for a Friday night. It wasn't a large bar, more of a hole in the wall-type place. Christina herself had only been there a few times, mainly as a cap to blind dates.

Once they took a seat at the bar, Alex's mood started to lift. They ordered their drinks and drank them silently. Well, Alex more or less downed hers and ordered a second before Christina finished her first sip. Alex's behavior surprised Christina because she had always appeared to be not much of a drinker. Looks can be deceiving. But after a few drinks and several shots, Christina could tell this wasn't something Alex did all the time. She was already quite drunk, hanging onto a few guys and telling them about being in witness protection. They were amused and clearly didn't want to be disturbed, but Alex was too far gone to take notice. When she turned into a "cheery depressed" drunk (a term coined by Christina's freshman roommate, when someone tells depressing stories in a cheerful demeanor) they made a deal with her.

"Hey, lady, if we each buy you one shot, will you please leave us alone?" one of the guys asked.

Christina counted the number of glasses lined up in front of Alex and made an executive decision that her boss did not need four more shots of anything. "That's nice, but we've got to go." She turned to the bartender and paid both of their tabs. When her back was turned Alex took one last shot before Christina dragged her out to the street.

"Hey, I was having fun! I could have had more free drinks!" Alex said, her words slurring.

"You've had enough to drink. You can barely stand up on your own."

"That's silly. You're being silly Angela."

"Christina."

"Christina. Oops. Yes, Christina." She fell against a wall and then took a few steps back in awe. "Wow, this is amazing artwork! Christina, we should buy it!"

"Alex, its graffiti. On a building wall."

"Oh. That's nice."

"Alex, where do you live?"

"Somewhere, over there," she said, waving her hand around her head. "Isn't that a song from a cartoon? Somewhere, over there, underneath the pale moonlight!" she sang, her voice echoing down the street.

"Close enough, yes. Alex, seriously, where do you live?"

"I'm not sure. Not close to here, that's for sure. Haha. That's for sure."

"Near the courthouse?"

"No, that's where I work! You work there too, you should know that."

"No, I-" Christina gave up. There was no point rationalizing with Alex right now. Alex would just have to go home with her. It was probably better. Alex was in no state to go anywhere by herself. Or stay by herself. So she gently pushed Alex in the direction of her apartment, a good ten-fifteen minute walk from the bar. It took even longer because Alex had to stop and admire random things and because she had to rely on Christina to walk.

When they got inside the apartment, Alex's cheery, drunken demeanor evaporated and she just stood in the middle of the living room, not moving. Christina took this opportunity to clean up just a little, and to change. She got an extra pair of pjs for Alex and brought them to her. Alex was still standing in the same spot, staring at something on or near the coffee table. With a little persuading Christina got her to change. While she was doing that, Christina got some extra blankets and pillows and when she came back, Alex was sitting on the couch, still staring at something Christina couldn't see.

Alex was in her own world yet very aware of everything around her. She felt sick and miserable, and not just from the alcohol. It felt like all of the worry and sadness of the past few years were sitting on her shoulders, weighing her down. No matter what she did she couldn't make it go away. She couldn't get those thoughts out of her head.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and snapped out of her trance.

"Alex, are you okay?" Christina asked, concerned.

Alex nodded, rubbing her eyes and face. She was surprised to find them wet. She felt so tired and emotionally drained, she just wanted to curl up and forget about her day. She felt dizzy and started to lie down, not caring that Christina was in the way. All she wanted was for this feeling to subside. But then her stomach lurched and she knew she was going to be sick. She sat up and ran down the hall to the bathroom. She collapsed to the ground in front of the toilet and heaved up all the alcohol as well as every meal she had eaten that day. Christina tied her hair back in a ponytail and put a wet rag around her neck. Finally, after what seemed like forever, when there was nothing left in her body to throw up, Alex was finished. She sat up and leaned against the bathtub.

Christina gave her a small cup of Listerine to rinse out her mouth and then handed her another wet rag. Alex pressed her face into it, relishing the cold. She cleaned up and tried to get herself together. She put the rags on the shower railing and took several deep breaths, trying in vain to calm down. She put her head on one of her hands, chunks of hair falling around her face. "Christina, I need you to get my phone and call Olivia Benson. Tell her I need to see her." She managed to get this out before returning to the toilet, half heaving, half sobbing.

Christina dug through Alex's purse until she found the phone. She flipped through the address book twice until she found Olivia's number under "Detective Olivia Benson."

"Benson," answered the tired yet still professional detective.

"Detective Benson, this is Christina Finn, and I work in the DA's office under Alexandra Cabot," Christina began.

"Alex? Is she okay?"

"Well, yeah. Sort of. I mean… Well, she's here at my apartment and she's pretty upset. She says she needs to see you."

"Is this a prank?" Olivia asked suspiciously.

"No, no. She's really here, getting sick in my toilet."

Olivia paused before answering. "Okay, give me your address and I'll be right over."

Christina went back to the bathroom. Alex's arms were resting on the toilet, her hands grabbing fistfuls of hair. "Olivia is on her way," she said, handing Alex another rag. "You think you're done?"

Alex covered her face with the rag and nodded into it. Her face felt like it was on fire. She felt Christina help her up and lead her into the living room. All she could think about was Olivia and how she always knew what to say. She was such a strong woman.

"Here's some water. You need to stay hydrated." Christina said, handing her a glass.

Alex shakily took it and took a few sips. They sat in silence until there was a knock at the door. Alex put the glass on the coffee table as Christina went to answer the door.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews!_

_A/N2: Olivia may seem a bit out of character in this chapter, but I've had friends in a similar situation that reacted the same way, so hopefully it isn't too bad.  
_

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Everything about Olivia spoke strength. Christina could tell by the way she carried herself and in her eyes. This is the type of person you wanted as a friend. This was the type of person you wanted to protect you.

Relief flooded through Alex as she stood and started to stumble over to Olivia. This was it. They'd talk. It had been a long time since she had a long talk with someone close to her. She just needed this contact with someone she could trust. It had been so long since she felt like she could trust someone like the SVU squad. Alex had made it halfway around the couch when Olivia held up a hand to stop her. Alex stopped dead in her tracks, confused. Christina was still at the door, unable to see the fiery stare Olivia was giving Alex.

"I can't believe you, Alex."

"What are you talking about?"

"You call me over here when you're _drunk_?"

"I'm not drunk anymore. I _need_ to talk to you!"

"Alex, I can't just be your friend when it's convenient for you. I don't want to be your bad weather friend."

"You aren't. I just –"

"You've been back in town for over six months. And not once did you call."

"I-I got busy. Every time –"

"Oh bullshit, Alex. You could have spared five minutes – hell, five fucking seconds – to call us and say 'Hey, guys, I'm really busy right now, but I just wanted to let you know I'm back in town for good. No more witness protection program. I'll call you back when I'm not so busy, but I really want to see everyone.' It's not hard. That's like the time it takes to walk up to your apartment or a walk past a couple of stores. Don't give me the 'I didn't have time' bullshit."

"I did try to call. I didn't want to leave a message."

"Alex, that's not going to work. I answer my phone unless I'm in court, and if I have a missed call, I call back right away regardless if it's an unknown phone number or no voice mail. Just face it. You in your new life are too busy for me. For us."

"No!"

"Yes. You think we didn't know about you coming back? Cragen told us as soon as he got the news. We tried to come see you, as a group, as individuals. We either weren't allowed to see you or we missed you. We called and left messages on your phone and with your secretary. We tried to catch you in court a few times but you always got swept away as soon as you were out. We couldn't drop by your place after work or call you at home because your information is unlisted. Sure, we could have pulled some strings, but we didn't want to chase you down if you weren't even interested in finding us. We gave up after two months when it was clear you didn't want to have anything to do with your old life in SVU. We heard about your welcome back party. I can't tell you how hurt we all were when we didn't get an invitation."

"It wasn't up to me."

"Right. I'm sure you had no say whatsoever in the guest list." Olivia crossed her arms and waited for another excuse. She knew she was right when Alex remained silent. "How were we supposed to feel – how was _I_ supposed to feel? I thought you were a friend, a good friend. You asked to see me and Elliot before you were sent away, and when you came back you couldn't spare the time to come see us? Or call us? No. I'm not going to stay tonight. I don't want to hear your sob story. I'm sorry, but I don't want to be your friend right now." Without another word, Olivia turned and marched to the front door, glaring at Christina. Christina let her out and closed the door, took one look at Alex's broken expression, and ran back out. She caught the detective in the stairwell.

"Why can't you just talk to her? Or just listen to her? She's really hurting right now."

"Has it occurred to either of you that I may be hurting too?"

Christina looked away.

Olivia sighed tiredly. "Okay, let me try to put this in perspective. She was one of my closest friends, and I don't let people get close. With that in mind, let me set up the scenario. One of your closest friends gets sent away, and you have no idea if you are ever going to see her again. Three years later, she comes back, but won't return your calls and seems to be avoiding you. You aren't invited to her big homecoming party. Then one night, six months later, out of the blue, she calls you, drunk. She needs to talk to you. Keep in mind that although you've tried hard over the past several months to get in contact with her, she's ignored you. Now all of a sudden, when things get bad, she calls you."

"But things _have_ gotten bad. That's why she called you."

"No. Try to remove yourself from the situation. Don't tell me what's going on in her life; I'll let her do that later. Think of it from my point of view. You don't know anything other than what I just gave you. How would you feel?"

"I guess… used? Kind of the same way you are feeling. But I don't think I'd walk away."

"I'm not walking away. I mean, yes, I am, right now. The thing is, she called me drunk. Or rather, had you call me while she was drunk. I don't know if she really honestly wants to talk to me or is doing it because of the alcohol. I want her to confide in me when she's sober and has made the conscious decision to call me. Until then, I need to put some space between us. When and if she's ready to call me without the use of alcohol, I will be there."

"Then what was all that talk about being a bad weather friend?"

"That's how I felt. She only needed me when something bad was going on."

"But something bad is… oh forget it. I see where you're coming from, but I still think you should talk to her."

"And I will. When she calls me sober. You can do it until then. She trusts you, I can tell. Otherwise she wouldn't still be sitting in your apartment. Just get her talking, get it off her chest." Olivia walked down a few steps before pausing and turning around. "What she's done since she's gotten back, it stings. It has really hurt. I can't just ignore that."

"But she's your friend. You can't ignore that either."

"I know, and I'm not. Christina, it has been nice meeting you, but this conversation is over." She turned and practically ran down the stairs.

Christina returned slowly to her apartment, unsure of what to do next. When she got back inside, Alex was still standing in the same spot. When she saw Christina walk back inside alone, the hopeful look on her face vanished. It was replaced with look of such utter defeat and despair it made her look years younger.

Alex made her way back to the couch and sat down slowly, trying to comprehend what just happened. Christina tentatively sat in the chair next to her. Before she could say anything, Alex stood back up.

"Thank you for your hospitality, Christina. Thank you for everything you've done for me today. I need to get home."

"It's really okay if you stay here. It's late, and my couch is actually pretty comfortable."

"I know. But I'll be home in twenty minutes, and it'll take longer than that for me to fall asleep. And I'd really rather sleep in my own bed tonight. It's been one of those days, you know?"

Christina nodded. "I'll call you a cab."

A few minutes later, they were walking down to the atrium. They stood in an awkward silence until the cab pulled up. Without so much as a thank you, Alex ran to the cab and gave the driver her address. As he pulled away from the apartments the tears started to fall, and Alex pressed her fist into the side of her mouth.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I'm so sorry it took so long to get this chapter out. A recent addiction to the O.C. and running a theatre camp are at fault. Thank you for being patient and I hope you enjoy!

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The cab ride to her apartment was excruciatingly silent. Instead of taking comfort in the anonymity of the cab, Alex pushed everything down as far as she dared. She didn't want to be the passenger the cabbie would talk about the next morning at home. And she didn't want to take the risk of pouring her heart out to a complete stranger if he asked what was wrong. So she swallowed her tears and took several deep breaths to calm herself down. She focused on the people walking around outside – no doubt the tourists, taking advantage of the sleepless city. Watching them, even in those few moments in passing, and concocting stories took her mind off her problems.

Finally she was back in her apartment. Part of her was relieved, because the familiar surroundings brought comfort. But that wasn't enough. She desperately needed to talk to someone. Olivia. But she had tried that once already, and it hadn't gone as planned. Olivia said she'd be there when she was ready and sober. She was sober now, and she needed Olivia. With shaky hands, she dialed the detective's number.

"Hello." It was a statement, not a friendly greeting.

"Olivia?"

"Alex."

"Olivia, I really need you to come over. Please? I really need to talk to you. I can't wait. I'm not drunk anymore. I need you," she pleaded, not caring how desperate she sounded.

"Alex, it's four in the morning."

"Please, Olivia. Please?"

"It can't wait until tomorrow?"

"I'm afraid what I'll do if I wait."

That was enough of a suicide threat for Olivia to take her seriously. Alex wasn't the type of person to say something like that. Things were clearly not okay, and Olivia started to feel guilty for not coming to her aid a few hours earlier. "I'll be there right away. Give me your address."

It didn't take long for Olivia to arrive. Alex had been pacing impatiently in front of her door and opened it before Olivia even had the chance to lift her hand to knock.

Olivia felt so guilty. Why had she been so harsh earlier? It was very clear Alex was in dire need of someone she could trust, and she had left her, just like that. When the door opened and their eyes met, Alex's face crumpled. In a heartbeat Olivia was inside, her arms tightly wrapped around the blonde. Alex couldn't hold it in anymore, and she sobbed into Olivia's shoulder. "I'm here, I'm here," Olivia whispered into her friend's ear, rocking her gently.

They had worked together for nearly four years, and only once had she seen Alex cry – the day she was placed in Witness Protection – and even then it was a calm, controlled cry. There was nothing calm or controlled about it now. Tears had already soaked through her shirt and Alex was shaking so hard Olivia was actually having a hard time holding onto her. "Alex, I'm sorry I wasn't here before, but I am now."

Alex only nodded into Olivia's shoulder and tightened her grip, irrationally afraid that the detective would walk away again. Normally she would be embarrassed by her actions, by her desperation for contact, but at this point she was too upset to care.

Somehow Olivia maneuvered them over to the couch. Alex sat with her head in her hands and Olivia rubbed her back as she waited patiently until the blonde had cried it out of her system. It took a long time. Whatever it was, Alex had kept it bottled up inside her for years and now it was all coming out at once.

Finally Alex had calmed down enough to talk. "Olivia, I'm so unhappy."

"Why?"

She shrugged, hugging her knees to her chest. "I don't know."

"Alex, I think you do. Its okay, just talk to me. What's wrong?"

"Everything." She paused, pushing down a new wave of sobs. "I don't know where to start. There are big things and trivial things."

"Just tell me as much as you want. And nothing is trivial if it's hurting you like this."

"I'm not happy with my job. I thought I'd love being the head of everything, but I'm not. I miss the courtroom, I miss the adrenaline, the research, the frustration…everything about being an ADA. I don't like that I'm a mentor. I don't even like my big fancy office. I miss how things were a few years ago. Everything was simpler. Well, not simpler, but I miss how everything was then. I was happy. I know when I got shot I wasn't, but I had those feelings of doubt every now and then. And I miss it so much. And I can't just stop what I'm doing now. I feel like I don't have any options, and I'm so miserable. I wake up in the mornings and suppress the need to cry because I dread going into that office every day. I never felt like that as ADA."

"Talk to Branch. I'm sure he can work something out. Don't get worked up over something when there could be a perfectly acceptable alternate."

"I know I need to, but I'm afraid he'll say that I just need to stick it out. If he says that, I don't know what I'll do."

"Well, let's cross that bridge when we come to it."

"I'm just… I'm afraid of what I'll do." Tears spilled down her cheeks and she wiped them away with the corner of her sleeve. She hated feeling so helpless.

"What do you mean?"

"I just don't have the desire to do _anything_ anymore. I don't like going to work. I can't wait until the end of the day so I can come home, get in my pajamas, and do nothing. That's not always the case, and I have to bring work home with me, but I don't want to do it. I can't wait for the weekend so I can just sleep and not get out of bed. I barely eat, I can't sleep, and I wake up almost terrified about going into work. Most nights I cry myself to sleep. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to go out, ever. It scares me, Olivia. I've never felt like this before. Sometimes – often – I just want to give up, and that's what really scares me." Normally she wouldn't make these admissions to anybody, not even to herself, but she was so desperate. She was afraid of what she'd do if she ignored it and kept it inside any longer. Now wasn't the time for her pride to get in the way. As much as she didn't want to admit it, she needed help. She looked up at Olivia, who was staring and listening with such intensity that the tears started to fall again. She tried to cover her face with her hands, but Olivia moved them back down, holding onto them.

"Stop trying to be so strong. It's just you and me here, alone. It's okay to let down your guard," she said gently.

"I've never been suicidal. I've never thought about doing it, and when I heard of someone who did, I always felt so sad. I always thought, 'don't they know their problems are temporary and suicide is permanent? If they can just get through this time in their life, it'll get better.' And now… now I can understand. I can'tsee the light; I can't see it getting better. I can't see myself anywhere in five, ten years because I can't even _see_ myself in the future. Sometimes it all just gets so overwhelming, and I feel like I can't function anymore. All I want to do is stay in bed and sometimes I pray that I won't wake up. Anything to stop this misery I'm feeling."

"God, Alex, I'm so sorry. I had no idea you felt this way. You said it yourself – things WILL get better. I know it's a bitch to wait it out, but you have to do it. All of this can be fixed, even if it takes awhile. I know it feels like there's no light at the end of the tunnel, that the end is so far away that you just want to give up. But Alex, you aren't the type of person to give up. You're a fighter."

"I'm just so tired of fighting."

Tears started to fall down Olivia's cheeks. It scared her to see her friend so despondent. She gathered as much of Alex as she could into her arms and held her until this new wave of tears passed. She wished she had the ability to take away her friend's pain. When the sobs subsided once more, she asked, "Alex, what happened to you in Wisconsin?"

Alex sat up and swallowed several times, forcing herself to continue to stay calm. "A lot." She reached for Olivia's hand. "My mom died a year ago, yesterday. It was the hardest time of my life. I wouldn't let myself cry and I couldn't take off work because it would be suspicious. "Emily's" parents had already died, so everyone would wonder why I didn't go home for a funeral – or why my mom died again. And with that secret, I couldn't confide in anyone. I had to keep it to myself and deal with it alone. I almost gave up then. I mean, I almost just said "screw it" and got on a plane to come back here. But I didn't, and I stayed. God, I miss her so much. Every day I have to remind myself that she's gone, and it hurts. I always thought she was invincible, that she'd always be there. I never thought that when I left I'd never see her again. I can't help but feel partly to blame. If she had known I was alive, she would have gotten treatment for her cancer. I could have saved her."

"Alex, don't blame yourself. You know there was nothing you could have done. Her cancer was so advanced that there wasn't a good chance that treatment would even work. There's no point in beating yourself up over something you couldn't control."

"I know, but I can't help it. I'm trying, but it's hard." Alex fell silent, but Olivia knew there was something else. She was sitting stiffly, staring off into space, trying to process her thoughts. After several minutes, she finally spoke again. She was very careful to not look at Olivia, but stare at something invisible on the coffee table. "It was about two weeks after I found out she had died. A Friday night. I'd had a horrible week, and it didn't help that my mom had just died and I couldn't do anything about it. I had been cooped up inside the whole time – after work I'd go home, put on pajamas, and camp out on the couch until it was time to go to bed. I guess I had a bit of cabin fever. I needed to get out, so I went for a run in the park. It was after midnight, and the running trails were well lit. I don't know how I didn't see him," she paused, and Olivia's fears were confirmed. "I thought I was strong. I thought, after all those assault seminars I went to, I'd be able to defend myself. But I wasn't, and I couldn't, and he dragged me behind a storage shed."

"Did you report it?"

"How could I? I'd be found out, I'd have to relocate and become a totally new person – again. The press would get wind of this and my life would be in even more danger. I couldn't take that risk. So I just kept my mouth shut and dealt with it."

"Did you call the rape hotline?"

Alex shook her head. "I was too afraid to admit it because it would become real. You know, I spent years prosecuting these animals. I thought I would be able to recognize the warning signs, and how to deal with it after the fact. But helping somebody through it and experiencing it are completely different. I felt like I went wrong somewhere. I started to blame myself for it, and my mom's death, and my life just kind of went spiraling out of control. The void in my body was enormous, and I tried filling it with meaningless sex, but nothing made me feel whole again. So when I found out I was released from witness protection and offered the job as bureau chief, I thought I'd get my life back in order, and that the void would be filled. But I don't think that's ever going to happen. I'm so, so unhappy. God, being in witness protection really sucked!" she said, trying to laugh but instead dissolved into tears once again, and once again Olivia wrapped her arms around the distraught woman.

Alex was desperately trying to keep herself in control. Every time a sob threatened to bubble up, her whole body would go rigid until it went away. Olivia could feel this internal struggle and pushed her away, holding Alex's face in her hands. "Stop fighting, Alex. You're safe here. Just let it out. I'm here for as long as it takes." She brushed some stands of hair out of her face and pulled her close again. After a few hyperventilating-like breaths, Alex was weeping openly. Everything was coming out now. Sobs wracked her body and any semblance of dignity she held onto was gone. This was the first time she had acknowledged any of this, and she was overwhelmed with the grief she had locked inside herself for the past few years. She was tired of crying, but now that she had started, her body wouldn't let her quit until it was good and ready.

After some time, when she saw the tears weren't letting up, Olivia placed a pillow in her lap. "Here, sweetie. Lie down and try to get some sleep."

Alex obliged, but not before taking hold of one of Olivia's hands. "Please don't leave me," she whispered.

"I'm not going anywhere," she said, using her free hand to stroke Alex's face, hair, and arm. Slowly, it calmed her down, and eventually she fell asleep.

Now that Alex was asleep, Olivia was able to process all the information she had received. Poor Alex had gone through enough being put in witness protection. Then she had to go through these traumatic experiences all alone. Being miserable at her job was the icing on the cake. She knew how much Alex hated to be pitied, but her heart went out to her. Alex probably cried more that night than she had in her whole life combined. It scared Olivia to see the younger woman, usually so strong, so upset and depressed. She took comfort in the fact that Alex sought her out for help, and she wasn't going to let the woman out of her sight until the thoughts of suicide disappeared.

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_A/N: Okay, so I have half of another chapter written, but I'm not sure if I should end it here or continue on with it. What do you think?_


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: I'm so sorry for the delay! I had THE worst case of writer's block I've ever had. Since this chapter was so hard to write, I'm not entirely sure I love it, but I do like it. I **think **I know where I want the story to go, so it may be some time before the next update, but I'm working on the next chapter right now. Thanks for being patient, and thank you for reviewing!_

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Olivia was pulled from a very light sleep by Alex twisting and writhing on the couch. She was kicking at something with her legs and clutching the blanket to her chest. Tears squeezed out of her eyes and rested on her eyelashes and her whole body was bathed in sweat. It was obviously a pretty vivid nightmare, but Alex was in such a deep sleep she couldn't pull herself out of it. Olivia didn't want to wake her and startle her, and in her experience, if she didn't wake up during or immediately after a nightmare, she wouldn't remember it in a few hours. Alex didn't need to remember whatever demons were chasing her. So instead she rubbed her arm and after a few moments Alex stopped moving. Olivia tried to find a comfortable position to rest and, unable to find one, resigned herself to yet another night of sleeplessness. At least she was used to it.

A couple of hours later the sun shone through the windows, casting a soft yellow-orange glow about the apartment. Alex opened her eyes slowly and took in her surroundings. For a brief moment she wondered why she was on the couch, but then the night came flooding back to her, and she sat bolt upright and moved to the opposite end of the couch. She brought her knees to her chest and pressed her face into a pillow as the tears returned. She hated being like this. She hated that once she started, she couldn't stop crying. She had never felt so weak and helpless before.

After a few minutes she had calmed down and lifted her head out of the pillow only to find Olivia watching her. "How long have you been watching me?"

"Not long. Few seconds, maybe. Come on, get dressed and we can go get breakfast." She looked at her watch. "Or lunch."

Twenty minutes later they were sitting across from each other in a booth at a nearby diner. They both ordered coffee as they looked through the menu. Rather, as Olivia looked through the menu. She noticed the blonde hadn't even opened hers. "You already know what you want?"

"No. I'm not going to get anything. I'm not hungry."

"Alex, you have to eat something. Seriously, you're about as big as my pinky." Olivia shook her head when Alex tried to give her a small smile. "I'm serious. You're so tiny, Alex. You were thin before you left, and now it looks like you've lost more weight. It's not healthy. Not eating won't make anything better; it'll just make it worse."

Alex started to object again, but Olivia opened the menu and placed it in front of her. She didn't have the energy to argue so she looked over the menu and ordered eggs and toast.

"How are you doing today?" Olivia asked as their waiter strode off with their order.

Alex just shrugged. "It's like I feel worse after telling you. Saying it out loud makes it more real. I'm kind of scared. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live, either." She ran her hands over her face. "I'm just so confused. I don't know what I want anymore."

"What can you do to make it better? What can I do?"

"Well, I've started by reconnecting with you. That's helped."

"What else?"

"I don't know. I feel like I'm in too deep and I can't go back. I just have to keep going in the same direction until something happens."

"Okay. Let's take it one step at a time. Your job. Best case scenario: you switch jobs. Be an ADA again. How would that make you feel?"

"Better, I think. I know I can't go back to SVU. I heard Jack McCoy may be moving up and his position might be open."

"So talk to Branch first thing on Monday. See what he says."

"What happens if he says no? That I have to stay where I am? I really don't think I can handle it if he says no."

"We'll worry about that if it happens. If Branch had enough faith to put you as Bureau Chief after a three year absence, he has enough to put you back as an ADA _somewhere_. Maybe not in McCoy's position, but somewhere. You had a pretty good track record, Alex. That will work in your favor."

"Yeah. Maybe."

"Okay, so let's say we get the job portion out of the way. You're a bit happier. What else can you do?"

"I don't know."

"Well what about your mom? You said you couldn't go to the funeral. Did you hold a memorial service in Wisconsin?"

"No. I didn't want to do it alone."

"What if you had one?"

"Maybe. That would be nice."

Their food arrived then and for several minutes they were silent as they ate. "What about a rape survivor support group?"

"No." The response was automatic.

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Just drop it."

"Alex, I'm starting to think that most of your problems are stemming from what happened to you. If you went to these meetings and found some sort of closure, I think the other aspects of your life might get better, too."

"No. It's my job, not…_that_."

"I think you're trying to convince yourself that it's your job because you're too afraid to admit how much the rape affected you."

"No. It's my job. Please. Just stop pushing." Alex was dangerously close to losing it. She didn't want to embarrass herself in front of all these people. Olivia held her hands up in defeat, but knew that they would have to revisit this conversation later. They continued to eat in silence and a few minutes later Alex's fork clattered to her plate. When Olivia looked up Alex was shaking, her head resting in her hands. Without hesitation, Olivia tossed a twenty on the table. She took Alex by the arm and pulled her out of the booth, and with an arm wrapped protectively around her shoulders, they made their way back to Alex's apartment.

Alex collapsed in a chair and covered her face with her hands. "I hate this!"

"What?"

"_This_! I can't stop crying. Everything is a trigger. I just want it to stop!"

Olivia sat on the arm of the couch. "Alex, you have been through so much in the past few years. I'd be worried if you _weren't_ upset."

Alex brought her legs onto the chair. "I just hate feeling this way. I feel so weak. I feel like I can't control anything anymore."

"I know you don't want to hear this, but you really need to deal with what happened."

"I said no."

"Things will start to look up."

"I've already told you. I hate my job and that's what's making me so miserable."

"Do you really believe that?"

"Yes!"

"Why? Why are you so afraid?"

"Because I'm weak! Is that what you want to hear?"

"God Alex, of course not!"

"Then what do you want from me?" her voice sounded pathetic, even to her own ears.

"I want to know why you're so afraid to talk about it, to admit that it happened."

Alex looked away for several seconds before turning back. "If I was one of your victims, would you be badgering me like this?" she asked quietly, avoiding eye contact.

Olivia thought about it for a second. "Maybe not. But I know you. You're my friend and I care about you."

"Just because you know me doesn't mean that what happened hurts any less. It doesn't mean that I'm able to handle it any better than any other victim. Did it ever occur to you that maybe it hurts more because I was so alone? All of our victims, they've all had someone – at least _one_ person – to stand by them. I didn't. Everything that happened in Wisconsin I went through alone. Do you know how that feels? To feel so lonely that you'd rather off yourself than to put yourself through one more day of hell?" There was no malice in her voice, only pain.

"Alex," Olivia began.

"That you feel so damaged that you'll never heal?" she interrupted. "Do you know how many times I just wish I could stop hurting?"

Olivia moved from her seat on the couch and knelt down next to the chair. "That's what I'm trying to do, Alex. Help you heal."

"I wish you could think of another way besides giving me the third degree." Alex stood and began to make her way down the hall to her bedroom.

"The third degree? That's not fair, Alex," Olivia said, standing.

Alex whipped around. "_Nothing_ is fucking fair." With that she slammed the door to her room and collapsed in tears on her bed.

Olivia ran her hands through her hair as she sat back down on the couch. She could hear Alex's muffled sobs float down the hallway. For the first time in a _very_ long time, she didn't know what to do. Normally she knew exactly what to say, even when she was met with resistance. Yes, she knew she could sometimes be a bit pushy, and that usually worked in her favor. But Alex was different. She was her friend, and it was harder than she thought to handle the balance between friend and victim.

As she let Alex have some time to herself, Olivia thought of ways to approach the sensitive subject. The last thing she wanted was for Alex to shut down even more.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I changed the title. Again. I like this better than the previous two. It comes from one of my favorite songs, "Tonight and the Rest of My Life" by Nina Gordon. The whole lyric it comes from is fitting for the story: "with dripping wings heavy things won't fly." Maybe its just fitting to me, but that's all that matters:)

A/N2: I had the WORST case of writer's block for this final chapter. I can't tell you how many times I started and hit a road block. Nothing sounded good. This last time I just opened it up and started writing and this is what came out. I'm pretty happy with it. I hope you are too. Enjoy!

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After about thirty minutes, Olivia could hear Alex's sobs subside. She waited another thirty before she got up and made her way down the hallway and knocked lightly on Alex's door. There was no answer, but Olivia could hear the younger woman sniffling. She opened the door. Alex was laying on the edge of her bed, facing away from the door. 

"Can I come in?" When she didn't hear anything, she took that as a yes and walked in. The younger woman neither acknowledged nor rejected her presence. "Alex, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking," Olivia began, sitting in a chair. "I just want to help you. I can see how scared you are. I know you had to go through a lot of crap alone, but you're back here now. You don't have to go through anything alone anymore. You can face your fears and have us around to back you up, to be there for you, to support you. You're a survivor. You've gone through hell but you've managed to make it out alive. But despite what you think, and despite what you feel right now, you are one of the strongest people I know. You can do this. You just have to admit what happened. That's the hardest part. But you can't heal if you keep pushing it all away. It just makes it worse farther down the road. You've kept it inside for far too long."

Alex rolled over and stared up at the ceiling. "It isn't what happened that night that's making me miserable. It's my _job_. I've hated it since the first day. I miss being an ADA and being in the courtroom. I don't know why you don't believe me."

"And I don't know why _you_ don't believe me."

"I think I know myself better than you do, Olivia."

"And I think you've been living this way for so long that you're blind to what is really going on!"

Alex shot up, her body tense and on the defense. "What do you know? You haven't been living my life for the past couple of years!"

"You're right, I haven't."

"You've barely seen me since I got back."

"You're right, I haven't. But you know what? That's exactly my point. When you left New York a few years ago you still were strong, you had your opinions and convictions, and I had no problem believing every word that came out of your mouth. And now, a few years later, do you know what I see? A scared, miserable woman. You've had a tough time and it shows in everything that you do. It isn't your job that is making you unhappy – it's everything that happened prior to your return. And I can see that because I haven't been around you constantly. It's more obvious to me, a "new-comer," if you will, to see that change when the people you are regularly around can't."

"So now I'm a weak, miserable liar?"

"That's not what I mean and you know it. Stop it. Stop trying to fight me. Look, I know you're scared. I hope that shit-face is rotting in a gutter somewhere for what he did to you. But that doesn't change the fact that you need to face what happened. You're going to need to accept what happened before you can ever move on in life. If you don't, you'll be stuck here in this rut, forever contemplating suicide before finally giving in. I've seen it happen and so have you. Alex, please. I'm concerned. I don't want it to come to that."

Alex sat up on the edge of the bed, staring at Olivia for what felt like 10 minutes. Finally, she signed in resignation. "You're right. I am scared. More than that, I'm terrified. And there's no real reason for me to feel that way. Yes, it happened, but it's in the past. That guy doesn't pose a threat to me any more, although sometimes I have a hard time convincing myself that. Admitting it is what is scary. Admitting it makes it real. I don't know if I'm strong enough for it. I'm not an emotional person, I never have been, and everything I'm feeling right now scares the shit out of me. I don't know how to handle myself. I've always been in control of nearly every aspect of my life, but ever since I was shot I feel like it's spiraled out of control. It was easy to pretend everything was okay for awhile but after I came back to testify, that's when I really lost it. I had come back to this haven for a short period of time and when I had to change everything again it was like the mat got pulled out from under me again but this time I couldn't regain my balance. While I was here I was able to be me again, and it was so easy to slip back into it. And I guess after I left it really hit me for the first time how drastically my life had changed, and I've been heading downhill ever since. I don't like remembering any of it. Sometimes I'll get a whiff of something and it'll take me back to Wisconsin and I'm reminded of everything that happened there. The feeling is so strong, but I just try to hide it because hiding it is so much easier than facing it."

"I think you'd find it otherwise if you stopped hiding."

"I – I can't. I'm not strong. I know you think I am but I'm not. Not anymore. That part of me got left behind when I went into Witness Protection and it's never been recovered."

"You're strong enough. Trust me."

Alex searched Olivia's eyes for any reason for her to think otherwise, and when she found none, took a deep breath. She kept trying to form a sentence but the words either didn't come or were jumbled up inside her head. She felt like she was trying to speak in a foreign language that she had never heard before. She couldn't even begin to think of the right words, much less in the correct order. This internal struggle didn't get past Olivia's observation, and she promptly joined Alex on the bed. Alex stared straight ahead and pulled at the material of her pants, and after several minutes she had found her voice. "Last year," she whispered. "Last year… last year I – I was raped in the park." She waited for the rush of relief to wash over her, but nothing happened. She tried again, louder and with more determination. "I was raped last year." Still nothing. "I don't feel any different."

"It'll come. You've said it once, and you'll say it more. And each time it'll get easier. That was a big step, Alex. Now, I want you to do me a favor. I'm not forcing you, but I think it would be really good for you."

"I'm not making any promises. Did you see how hard it was for me to do that?"

"You've gotten it out of the way. You've admitted it. That's a good place to start."

"So what do you want me to do?"

"I want you to go to a rape survivor support group. I know you said no this morning. But think about it. You'll hear stories from other women. You'll hear how they survived and how they're coping. Even if we can't bring you closure by putting your attacker behind bars, this group can be the next best thing. Try it. Go at least twice. If it isn't for you, at least you can say you tried. But if it works, it can do wonders."

"I promise I'll try. I'm so sick of waiting for my life to straighten out. I'm sick of just… _waiting_. I'm sick of everything. I just want things to get better."

"They will. Don't expect it to happen right away. You need time."

"I'm too impatient."

"You'll still be able to make it through."

"I just don't see how. I'm not trying to be a downer, I just can't see myself in five years being the same person I was five years ago."

"Of course you can't. You aren't the same person. You've been through a lot. It's changed you. But just because you've changed doesn't mean its worse."

"It's definitely not better."

"Think of it this way. You were shot and survived. You lost your mother and you survived. You had to be a completely different person for years, and you survived. You were raped and you survived. If you can get through all of that and be even close to the same person you were before it all happened, then you can survive this healing process, no matter how long or how difficult it may be. The worst has passed."

"Maybe."

"Alex, you need to stop focusing so much on the bad. I'm not trying to make everything that happened to you small and unimportant, but there's so much negativity in you. You're missing out on the things that are good."

"Liv, that's because I don't see anything good. I've had so much negativity in my life the past few years that it makes the good impossible to see. You're acting like everything is fine and dandy because I made it through all those horrible times – I've "survived", as you keep saying. But that doesn't change the fact that I don't like being alone at night – either alone at my apartment or in a cab or walking down the street. That I jump when I turn a corner and I don't expect someone to be there. That I feel like I'm constantly being watched. I'm still trying to get used to being myself again. I was Emily for nearly two years then Annie for four months. My mom died believing I was dead. I can't stop thinking that if she had just known I was alive she would have hung on, she would have fought the cancer. And then she'd still be here. I still wish she was here, that I could talk to her about everything. She was probably the most important person in my life. I feel like there's this hole in my heart knowing that my mom is out of my life forever. I have a scar on my shoulder that is a constant reminder of what I went through. I look at these kids who work under me and feel that they are so naïve, that they'll never know what its like to go through all this. And I can't see myself doing this forever. I was so good at what I did, and I feel like I'm failing because I can't take them seriously. I feel so damaged inside; all this pain is ripping me to shreds. I may have survived all that, but I haven't survived the aftermath." Alex felt like her heart grew heavier just admitting to all that.

"But you _will_. You haven't survived the aftermath because it isn't over yet. That's what these support groups will help you with. Go to a few, and if you don't find them helpful, find a counselor and talk with them one on one. Hold a memorial service for your mom. After a month if you still feel the same way about your job, try to get it changed. You were right. You were so good at what you did, and these new kids could greatly benefit from having you as their mentor,_especially_ with what happened. You aren't going to wake up tomorrow and find everything to be fine again, but it'll be a step in the right direction. And one thing that's different from Wisconsin and here is that you have a support system. Me, Elliot – hell, even that Christina girl."

"You have to promise me that."

"Promise what?"

"That you aren't going to bail on me if I'm still down on myself in a few months. Or if I want to spend the day hiding under the covers. That you aren't going to give up on me."

"Why would I do that?"

"We've both seen it, Olivia. Someone is depressed or unhappy and continues to stay that way. Pretty soon their friends just give up on them because they're spending so much of their energy trying to make this one person feel better."

"I promise, of course. You should know me better than that. But I don't think I'd ever let you waste a day in bed feeling sorry for yourself. If you ever feel like doing that give me a call and we'll go do something." Olivia looked around the room, an idea forming in her head. "Alex, how much of this stuff did you bring home from Witness Protection?"

"Some clothes, pictures, trinkets. Why?" Alex asked, confused at the new direction of the conversation.

"Do you have a storage bin of some kind?"

"…Yes…" she said slowly, trying to figure out what the hell Olivia had up her sleeve.

"Okay. Tell me where it is and I'll get it while you gather everything up."

"First tell me what you're planning."

"You're going to start fresh. Anything you bought while in Witness Protection, or anything that reminds you of it, will get burned."

"It's in the hall closet on the top shelf. There are some sheets in there – the brown set and the burgundy set." Alex headed for her dresser and began throwing clothes on the bed as Olivia went to get the bin. For the next hour they went from room to room, tossing things into the bin.

"Wow, I had a lot more than I thought I did," Alex said as they collapsed into chairs in the living room. She picked up a stuffed bear. "I won this at a White Elephant Christmas party at work. It was one of the only decent gifts. Someone brought a remote control that was the size of a computer keyboard. The guy who ended up with it kept joking he was going to give it to his mom. Another guy picked a candy thong and bra and wore them around the whole night, offering people a 'sample of his naughty candy.'" Alex smiled fondly at the memory.

"It wasn't all bad, then, was it?"

"No, I guess not. I must say, though, none of these items bring a smile to my face except for this tacky bear."

"Do you want to keep it?"

"No, no. I want everything associated with that gone. Maybe I'll put it in the stuffed animal bin at a shelter." She set the bear on the coffee table. "Now what?"

"Well, we can't go yet. Too light out."

Alex raised an eyebrow. "This isn't illegal, is it?"

"Maybe a little," Olivia grinned impishly. "We'll be careful. No wood or Styrofoam or plastic. Doesn't look like you have much of that. Just pictures, clothes, and sheets."

"So what do you suggest we do until it gets dark?"

Olivia didn't miss a beat. "Take-out. And reality TV."

"If you say so."

Olivia took charge and ordered the food. When she returned to the living room Alex was already flipping through channels. "We are in luck. A marathon of America's Next Top Model or a marathon of Project Runway."

"What, no Survivor or the Apprentice?"

"No. Sad, I know. Which one do you want to watch? I vote ANTM. It's more fun to watch bitchy girls get in cat fights."

"I don't know. Artsy people can be quite bitchy, too."

"_Plus_ it's a weekend-long marathon of all the seasons so we'll be good until at least Monday."

"I'm fine with that. Food'll be in here in about an hour."

So for the next five hours they did absolutely nothing except eat and watch ANTM.

"Wow. That was TV at its finest," Alex said, turning off the TV at midnight.

"Yeah but you have to admit it can be pretty addicting. In small doses. Okay, down to business. Now we lug this to the river, dump it all in a barrel, and watch it go up in smoke. Come on."

"Wait." Alex went into the kitchen and returned with a few bottles of Shiner.

"Perfect. Let's go." Olivia carried the bin down the stairs and set it on the sidewalk. "Hmmm… I'm thinking we should get a cab. I don't really want to carry this all the way to the river."

Alex nodded in agreement and ten minutes later they were on their way. When they arrived they walked down the river until they found an empty and somewhat secluded barrel. They dumped everything into it. Olivia handed over the box of matches to Alex. "Will you do the honor?"

She struck a match and dropped into the barrel. Once the fire started to get going Olivia brought out the beers.

"Cheers to erasing the bad memories," Alex said, clinking her bottle against Olivia's.

"Cheers."

They took a swig and watched as the flames ate up everything from Alex's secret life. As she watched she was suddenly hit with the realization that this was really the beginning of a new and potentially difficult journey, and the feeling she had been expecting to feel earlier hit her full force, overwhelming her. Tears started to pour silently down her cheeks, making everything a big blur. Soon she could feel the sobs coming, starting in her stomach and working their way up to her throat. When the first one escaped it was so strong she doubled over and dropped her bottle. Not long after that she was lying in a heap on the cold, hard ground.

Olivia had been so caught up in watching the dancing flames she was oblivious to Alex's tears until she collapsed. She sat next to Alex on the ground and wrapped her arms around the sobbing woman. After a few minutes Alex rose and walked around, trying to calm herself down and get her emotions back in control.

When she came back Olivia wordlessly handed her another beer and they turned their attention back to the fire. Alex's eyes still shone with lingering, unshed tears. After awhile the fire died down and they dragged the empty bin back up to the street, leaving it by a trash bin for someone else who needed it.

As they walked back to the apartment, Alex slid her arm through Olivia's. "Thank you, Olivia."

"You don't need to thank me for being your friend."

"Yeah. I do. Thank you. What you've done for me the past day – it really has been incredible. You helped me find my strength to keep going. That deserves… I don't know. A bottle of really nice wine and my gratitude forever."

"How about a six-pack of beer and an ANTM marathon instead?"

"Okay," Alex said, breaking into a grin. "Deal."

* * *

A/N3: That's it! Hope you enjoyed it. Thank you to everyone who reviewed and kept reading. 


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